Torschlußpanik

Io da grande voglio fare la principessa!-

Cosa state immaginando?
Probabilmente una bambina vestita di rosa, con le treccine, che si mangia le unghie e scarabocchia sul diario di scuola.
Quella bambina ha tutto il diritto di sognare cose assurde e folli, tanto quel “da grande” sembra così lontano, e le cose lontane non fanno paura, ci riguardano appena.
Il tempo però passa per tutto, e se alcune cose invecchiando migliorano come il vino, altre sembrano scadere come il latte. I sogni se ne stanno lì in mezzo, in equilibrio su un filo rosso. Non c’è una data di scadenza in grassetto, ma il “sei troppo grande per questo” ormai ti marchia come un vistoso tatuaggio.

clessidraCosì a un certo punto ho capito che non sarei diventata una principessa e che per me non sarebbe arrivata nessuna fata. Ho odiato Cenerentola e ho provato una certa compassione per la sua sorellastra invidiosa. Non so esattamente definire il giorno in cui è successo, ma è stato lo stesso in cui ho scoperto che anche i sogni invecchiano, tanto da assumere prima o poi l’aria stanca di chi ha camminato troppo e alla fine si è accorto che non era arrivato da nessuna parte, e che c’era da fermarsi, o peggio da tornare indietro, perché qualche volta mollare è d’obbligo.

Sì, ma quando?
La verità è che questo io non l’ho mai capito.
Non ho mai saputo quando fosse il caso di smettere di fare tentativi, e di sbattere la testa contro durissimi muri, e di sbucciarmi le ginocchia, e di ignorare la paura, e di rischiare anche l’anima pur di sentirmi viva. Sarà che ragiono di stomaco e che punto alle emozioni forti, perché se devo piangere voglio farlo fino a finire le lacrime, e se devo ridere voglio farlo fino a piangere per poi finire comunque le lacrime… e se devo vivere, voglio farlo sempre fino a piangere o fino a ridere.
Sono eccessiva ed ho sogni eccessivi, spavaldi e temerari. Non sono una che sa tornare indietro, ma sono una che si ripete fino allo sfinimento che “non è più tempo”, per poi ignorare la mia stessa voce e rimettermi in cammino, verso un traguardo che da lontano a malapena vedo.

I tedeschi parlano di Torschlußpanik: è la sensazione che nel Medioevo si associava al movimento lento ma inarrestabile del ponte levatoio, come se il tempo ti possa intrappolare fuori o dentro un certo tipo di vita e tu non hai che pochi istanti per decidere se fare un passo avanti o uno indietro, e intanto senti il terrore di fare anche il più piccolo movimento, perché sai che con quel passo, da ora in poi cambia tutto. Oggi quella parola indica il ticchettio dell’orologio che sta lì ogni giorno a ricordarti che i tuoi sogni stanno invecchiando, e che a breve la gente comincerà a darti del pazzo perché “sei troppo grande per questo”, e ormai “non è più tempo”.
Quello che non sanno è che sei il primo a rendersene conto, il primo ad avere la costante impressione di essere in ritardo, di aver dato tutto per nulla, di non esserci arrivato e di non poterci arrivare, perché che ormai sei grande te lo ricorda già lo specchio, e che non è più tempo te ne accorgi da quanto sei stanco.
Il Torschlußpanik me lo porto dentro. Ci combatto e mi ci cullo ogni giorno. È la giustificazione che mi concedo quando vorrei arrendermi, e lanon è mai troppo tardi parte di me che odio quando sento che invece vorrei continuare a provarci, ma il ponte levatoio si sta rialzando, e le lancette vanno troppo veloci, ed io mi sento bloccata quasi fossi nel mezzo delle sabbie mobili.
Non so a cosa mi sono aggrappata, ma fin ora ne sono sempre uscita, e mentre il ponte si alzava o abbassava, io scavavo tunnel sotterranei per cercare una strada alternativa e per percorrerla secondo il mio ritmo e non secondo quello di un dannato orologio. Resto incapace di tornare indietro, e anche se non è più tempo, io ancora cammino. Se anche non dovessi arrivare dove voglio, alla fine avrò comunque visto qualcosa in più di chi s’è fermato cento o duecento metri più indietro.

 

Valentina Comiato

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